3.13.2005
A Day in the Life, My Way
I went to a wake today... A young friend had just passed away...
Wow, this was a first for me. Not a funeral. I've been to way too many to count on my digits: great grandfather, great grandmother, grandfather, grandmother, (mom-side) grandfather, three granduncles, one grandaunt, my father, my grandfather-in-law, my father-in-law, my uncle-in-law, two friends of my dad's, two fathers of my cousins's wives, father of my wife's ex-boyfriend (don't ask). And that doesn't count the ones I could have attended but was either too young or not aware: my great great grandmother, two grandaunts, granduncle, a brother, and a number of my great-grandmother's siblings. No, death unfortunately is not new to me.
What is new to me is that this is the first of someone who was basically my own age (my brother doesn't count since he was still-born). In fact, he was a bit younger than I am. He had a heart attack and, while not in the best of health and physicality, he gave no sign that anything was wrong either.
Lucky for me, my body has been very very good to me. Low blood pressure. Low "bad" cholesterol, high "good" cholesterol, I love the pieces of fat on my steaks and sometimes bum them off of my wife as well (who hates me because she has to watch her fat intake). I've been able to eat anything and not gain weight (at least until recently) without my wife also being pregnant with one of our children (I gained 15 pounds for each of my children; and we know she's not pregnant). I'm skinny but athletic enough to play most sports well enough to be OK or good.
However, a thought that haunted my mom similarly haunts me. Her mom, my grandmother, died when she was only 42 (way before even my mom and dad meeting) and my mom dreaded reaching her 42nd birthday. Likewise, my dad passed when he was 45 years old, almost 46, and I am approaching that (not only do I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see sides of the end of the tunnel as well). And I think about it, what if it happens to me too.
Partly because it came so suddenly for him, dying less than a year after getting sick the first time. Partly because I wonder if I picked it up from him or from my travels, it is something that can stay dormant in your body for years. Partly because my great grandfather and his son, my grandfather, both had debilitating strokes, though at least in their 60's or 70's so I still have some time. Partly because my mom who has no bad habits to speak of except of always being a mother has had three bad bouts with breast cancer, each treatment debilitating her more and more, each almost exactly 5 years apart - I was dreading the 15 year mark but she passed that with flying colors (knock on wood) and it is year 19 now.
Partly because I was unexpectedly close to being admitted to the hospital a few years back because a doctor prescribed me Augmentum for sinusitis without warning me (don't read rest of sentence if squemish) that it might cause internal bleeding in my intestines. I bled out so much that they needed to stick me and re-hydrate me with one of those bag of sucrose saline bags. And I had to go through a colonoscopy procedure to make sure I was OK, that it was only the Augmentum and not something worse. Partly because I worry about how my family will survive without me; I know they will but it won't be pleasant, it wasn't for me.
After the first few deaths (this reminds me of that alt-song, "These are people who have died," or something like that for the title), I thought maybe it would make me live life a little different, make me appreciate it more, make me not take friends and family less for granted (not that I was ever that bad in either case, I've been very appreciative of my life and family), but, you know, really feel it deep, like those people who cheat death somehow or "saw the light" but didn't walk towards it, having a near-death experience, then live their lives differently.
And not that death scares me. While I want to live as long as this bag of bones will allow me (and longer), it is not because I dread dying. I actually look forward to the death process for a number of reasons. One, is there the floating people say there is. Do old friends and family actually come to guide you in. Is there really a light. Is there a god. What's the meaning of life, really, not just my theory. Etc.
However, I love life too much to satisfy my curiosity about death. To me, it is amazing what we humans have done just in the time since my great grandfather was born in the late 19th century. Flying, mass-produced cars, radio, records and now CDs, movies, TV, DVD, computers, all the medical advances, all the neat gadgets, just to name a few. I want to see what comes next and to experience that. I look forward to that.
Now all I have to do is to live, live long and prosper ('cause Social Security certainly ain't going to help me).
Wow, this was a first for me. Not a funeral. I've been to way too many to count on my digits: great grandfather, great grandmother, grandfather, grandmother, (mom-side) grandfather, three granduncles, one grandaunt, my father, my grandfather-in-law, my father-in-law, my uncle-in-law, two friends of my dad's, two fathers of my cousins's wives, father of my wife's ex-boyfriend (don't ask). And that doesn't count the ones I could have attended but was either too young or not aware: my great great grandmother, two grandaunts, granduncle, a brother, and a number of my great-grandmother's siblings. No, death unfortunately is not new to me.
What is new to me is that this is the first of someone who was basically my own age (my brother doesn't count since he was still-born). In fact, he was a bit younger than I am. He had a heart attack and, while not in the best of health and physicality, he gave no sign that anything was wrong either.
Lucky for me, my body has been very very good to me. Low blood pressure. Low "bad" cholesterol, high "good" cholesterol, I love the pieces of fat on my steaks and sometimes bum them off of my wife as well (who hates me because she has to watch her fat intake). I've been able to eat anything and not gain weight (at least until recently) without my wife also being pregnant with one of our children (I gained 15 pounds for each of my children; and we know she's not pregnant). I'm skinny but athletic enough to play most sports well enough to be OK or good.
However, a thought that haunted my mom similarly haunts me. Her mom, my grandmother, died when she was only 42 (way before even my mom and dad meeting) and my mom dreaded reaching her 42nd birthday. Likewise, my dad passed when he was 45 years old, almost 46, and I am approaching that (not only do I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see sides of the end of the tunnel as well). And I think about it, what if it happens to me too.
Partly because it came so suddenly for him, dying less than a year after getting sick the first time. Partly because I wonder if I picked it up from him or from my travels, it is something that can stay dormant in your body for years. Partly because my great grandfather and his son, my grandfather, both had debilitating strokes, though at least in their 60's or 70's so I still have some time. Partly because my mom who has no bad habits to speak of except of always being a mother has had three bad bouts with breast cancer, each treatment debilitating her more and more, each almost exactly 5 years apart - I was dreading the 15 year mark but she passed that with flying colors (knock on wood) and it is year 19 now.
Partly because I was unexpectedly close to being admitted to the hospital a few years back because a doctor prescribed me Augmentum for sinusitis without warning me (don't read rest of sentence if squemish) that it might cause internal bleeding in my intestines. I bled out so much that they needed to stick me and re-hydrate me with one of those bag of sucrose saline bags. And I had to go through a colonoscopy procedure to make sure I was OK, that it was only the Augmentum and not something worse. Partly because I worry about how my family will survive without me; I know they will but it won't be pleasant, it wasn't for me.
After the first few deaths (this reminds me of that alt-song, "These are people who have died," or something like that for the title), I thought maybe it would make me live life a little different, make me appreciate it more, make me not take friends and family less for granted (not that I was ever that bad in either case, I've been very appreciative of my life and family), but, you know, really feel it deep, like those people who cheat death somehow or "saw the light" but didn't walk towards it, having a near-death experience, then live their lives differently.
And not that death scares me. While I want to live as long as this bag of bones will allow me (and longer), it is not because I dread dying. I actually look forward to the death process for a number of reasons. One, is there the floating people say there is. Do old friends and family actually come to guide you in. Is there really a light. Is there a god. What's the meaning of life, really, not just my theory. Etc.
However, I love life too much to satisfy my curiosity about death. To me, it is amazing what we humans have done just in the time since my great grandfather was born in the late 19th century. Flying, mass-produced cars, radio, records and now CDs, movies, TV, DVD, computers, all the medical advances, all the neat gadgets, just to name a few. I want to see what comes next and to experience that. I look forward to that.
Now all I have to do is to live, live long and prosper ('cause Social Security certainly ain't going to help me).
// posted by obsessivegiantscompulsive @ 3/13/2005 01:13:00 AM 
